Poor, White, and Brown: The Divorce
My parents were married for about 13 years, and it's a miracle that it lasted that long. Between parental conflict and the drama that comes with a small house with four (five in the summers while my half-brother stayed with us) young children, peace was not the norm. I don't really know what the breaking point was, but when I was twelve my parents decided to split. My sisters were thirteen and nine, and my brother was ten. My parents did not slowly fall down a slippery slope, and there was no final straw that I have a recollection of (I was a child, so there was much I didn't know). This was something that could have happened at any time based on their relationship, and the summer of 2000 just happened to be that time.
I don't remember a serious sit down family conversation in which we were told mom and dad were splitting up. I just remember that mom was moving to North Carolina (we were in South Carolina at the time) and for some reason it just felt natural that we would all go with her. None of us were coerced. So, that summer mom and the four of us packed up and left. We moved to North Carolina, where my grandparents had a place for us. Dad stayed behind in South Carolina for a little while, before eventually returning to his roots in western Virginia.
The breaking up of my parents' marriage affected all of us a little differently. But, as odd or cold as it seems, I don't remember having any type of major emotional reaction to this rift. It happened so suddenly and I was powerless to influence the decision, and so I don't remember devastation or relief at all. In fact, what I would describe in myself is a lack of an emotional response. I know that I was sad, but it didn't crush me or shatter my worldview. I don't know why, but I felt more like an impartial observer than anything else. Maybe I just knew that it was inevitable. I can't explain it, so I won't even try. It just happened and I went with it. I know that this event influenced me on a subconscious level, but on the surface it just felt like another day. This was probably a good thing because typically the reactions and impacts are overwhelmingly negative and damaging. For the most part, by the grace of God, I believe I was spared from this.
I have such mixed feelings when it comes to my parents, especially my dad. I've probably seen him about ten times since my parents split up. I've spoken to him very little as well. He has been absent from my life longer than he's been present. It really makes me sad to think of how little of a presence he has had in the life of his children. I don't feel bitterness towards him, but I think that's largely because I'm not a bitter person. The word that best describes my feelings towards my dad is simply confusion. I know he felt rejected and unwanted when we all packed up and left. That situation really sucks, and who wouldn't feel that way? His wife left, and all his children willingly went with her instead of staying with him. It's a heartbreak that I don't know and hopefully never will. I have a lot of pity for my father because of this. I don't think any of us thought that communication would essentially come to an end as it did, though. And I don't feel like my dad ever put up a fight or made an effort to stay in our lives. Not that it would have been easy since we moved to a new state, but he could have tried. It saddens and angers me when I realize how easily he let us walk out of his life. As much as it sucked for him, he was the adult. He was the one with the power and responsibility to make things turn out different, not us. And, because of that, my siblings and I have had an absent father for most of our lives. This is why it is so confusing for me to look back at everything. I feel mild anger and guilt, but more disappointment and bewilderment. I love my dad so much because he is my father, but I just don't understand the way things played out.
My mother has not remained innocent in all this. Alcoholism and conflict continued to have a major presence in our family life. I do have some negative feelings towards my mother (as does anyone), but it's not as appropriate for me to indulge those here because she never abandoned us. Her parenting was far from perfect, but, unlike my dad, she was there. I question so many habits she's displayed and decisions she's made over the years, but we had at least one parent around. And, so, on the topic of my parents' divorce and its immediate effects on our lives, unfortunately, my dad has to bear the brunt of the burden.
What might be the saddest part is that I don't believe my parents were victims of a failed marriage. Their habits and decisions directly led to its demise. Year after year of unhealthy activity and behavior towards one another happened. They knew it the whole time. I don't recall concerted efforts to change their destructive habits or work to improve the marriage. They were utterly passive in this regard. I am haunted by this same passivity and poor communication skills in myself at times, but I am fortunate to not have adopted many of their harmful external behaviors. I know that both of my parents are not proud of how things happened and that neither of them wished this on themselves or us, but the reality is that it did happen.
* * * * * *
Having a wife and children of my own now only exacerbates my feelings of confusion and gives rise to a greater degree of anger. My questions and negative feelings grow so much stronger now when I think about the whole situation.
I think the following questions: How could you guys (my parents) drink and argue and fight the way you did in front of your children? Did you never think of how damaging your behavior could be to them? Were their futures ever something you thought about? Would you be ok with their lives exhibiting the same kind of behavior?
And as a man with my own family, questions specifically to my dad arise. How could you just let your kids leave? Why did you never fight to see us? What kind of feelings do you expect for us to have towards you now? Do you realize that fatherlessness is one of the most damaging and damning aspects of our society? I just don't get it. I have a two-year old son and another that will be born in two months. I could never imagining living around my children the way my parents did when we were small. There is literally nothing in this world that would let me allow my family to leave my life, and nothing that would stop me from putting up a fight if they tried. I could never bear the thought of my wife being alone or with someone else, or my sons living a fatherless life or wondering where their dad is. I'm not even saying this to be self-righteous; I'm saying it because I truly cannot fathom letting my family be torn apart.
I'm reluctant to say this because it sounds very prideful, but I am very grateful that I was given fortitude and foresight to be able to see a better life for myself. I learned what not to do from watching how my parents lived together and seeing the destructiveness of their behavior when they were married. It was a true gift from God for me to be able to do so. I'm not especially unique in this regard, but, statistically speaking, the vast majority of children from broken marriages don't move on easily to lives of stability, relationship success, or economic achievement. Perhaps the biggest role in saving me from a repeat lifestyle was the presence of my grandparents in my life after the split. Through them I also became involved in church, where plenty of people took me under their wings. In very clear ways, God has always looked out for me and has used everything to teach me about Himself, myself, and the world. My parents did not preserve their marriage. I, however, will not repeat that unfortunate outcome.
Comments
Post a Comment