This post IS about me

I know I'm not unique in this, but I have a gruesome problem with pride. It's very subtle and so hard to detect, but is a major issue with me. Here's why it's hard: I've been in church most of my life and am very familiar with the Bible's teachings on pride. I know the right answers when it comes to pride, but this doesn't mean my heart agrees and submits. My stubborn, prideful, rebellious heart hates humility and mercy and grace, no matter how much I give mental assent to their goodness. The following will mostly focus on the reasons why I know this to be true.

In my life in general, here are some ways how I know pride is a major issue for me (some are just stupid, while some may be very easy to relate to):

• I am very reluctant to post an unpopular opinion on social media, especially when it comes to politics or religion. I put way too much weight on being right on everything. Opening the door for disagreement means I may be shown that I'm wrong or may reveal questions I don't have answers to. Everything in me wants to avoid these as much as possible.
• I check for likes and confirmation way to much when I do post. Please agree with me or show me how open-minded or intelligent I am.
• I react very harshly and defensively when my wife and I have a disagreement and I know she's right. It's getting redundant, but being wrong is very difficult for me.
• I way overthink and over-analyze so much of what I do or say. 
• I think the point of arguments or discussions is to prove someone wrong or right instead of for all parties to arrive at truth.
• I hate having mistakes pointed out to me at work.
• I get very frustrated (way more than I should at this age) if I turn the ball over, miss an easy shot, or even take a bad shot in pick-up basketball.

It is very clear that my pride negatively affects my daily life.  This can lead to serious issues, especially when left unchecked, but is a much bigger problem spiritually. Here are some ways that I know pride kill me spiritually and then how it negatively affects me right now:

• I confess that goodness of humility and the greatness of God's grace and mercy. I confess that salvation is a gift of God, based solely on his mercy and grace. I confess that I could never deserve it. But my heart hates it. It wants these things to be untrue so badly. In my heart of hearts, I want to think God chose me because I'm intelligent, of high-moral fiber, am capable,  and am useful to Him. While never making it into my confessions, my heart wants to convince me that the whole point of religion and spirituality is to convince God that he made the right choice in me. I don't know if I can think of a more blatant irony or hypocrisy than this.
• Sin, especially sin that I've struggled with for years, kills me when I find myself in the middle of it. The result of my confessed sin is usually weightiness instead of freedom. I hate the possibility that my moral-fiber is weaker than I thought, that I've disappointed God or others, or that maybe I don't deserve what God has granted me.
• I rarely share the gospel with anyone anymore. I'm terrified that it will be awkward, that I won't have answers, or that I'll be judged as having out-dated beliefs. Also, deep in my heart, I believe that-unlike myself-so many others that I know don't deserve the grace the gospel reveals.
• I have a very difficult time listening to others or having empathy. My life has been pretty problem-free, and maybe I subtly believe that's because I am intelligent, plan ahead, have discipline and self-denial, and confess the right beliefs. My pride tells me that others don't have these things as much as I do, and that maybe their problems are a result of this. They get what they deserve. How hypocritical can someone be who confesses grace in the name of Jesus?

I've been saturated with the gospel message and with gospel witnesses for years, and yet find myself falling victim to a heart hardened by pride. I need to take the Biblical warning against pride very seriously. I need to submit myself to the cross and remember that I merit nothing I've been given, and I never could. I need to stop trying to prove that I do or I can. Growing in Christ and in sanctification means resting more and more on the unmerited favor of God, not growing in moral character or proving God's choice of me as the right one. The only thing that I can prove if I try is that He made the wrong choice. Thank God that, because of His mercy and grace, this is not true. Grace alone saves me and only grace can sustain me. God didn't save me because I deserve it, and He'll never stop working in me because I don't deserve it. That's how real His grace is. Consider this an admonition to look at your heart through the lens of the gospel and an open invitation to hold me accountable for my misplaced pride.